Assertiveness II
Published September 29, 2011 | 
The Life Skill of Keeping Boundaries for the Trauma Survivor
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is an invisible “barrier” between you and other people. It is the limit you set for yourself that you will not go beyond, and beyond which others are not welcome. Often when there is trauma in a person’s background it is difficult to have a clear sense of boundaries. As a result, there is a tendency to either have a huge wall that keeps everyone out, or no boundaries, allowing others to take advantage of or hurt you. It is healthy to have a good sense of where you are comfortable or uncomfortable and to honor those feelings. Please take the enclosed “Survey on Boundaries” and get an idea where your boundaries are.
Comparing Healthy Versus Unhealthy Boundaries
The following two lists describe people with healthy boundaries or unhealthy boundaries. Mark which of the statements sound most like you.
People with Healthy Boundaries
_____Know what kind of information to share with people on each level of relationship.
_____Do not allow others to hurt them.
_____Trust people in degrees as they demonstrate their trustworthiness.
_____Know what they will allow others to do.
_____Have clear limits.
_____Do not tolerate inappropriate behaviors.
People with Unhealthy Boundaries
_____Don’t know what information to share.
_____Allow others to hurt them.
_____Don’t easily trust.
_____Trust too easily.
_____Trust untrustworthy people.
_____Don’t trust trustworthy people.
_____Do not have clear limits.
_____Are overly tolerant of inappropriate behaviors.
Asserting Your Boundaries With Difficult People
It is especially important to know how to set boundaries with “difficult” people, particularly with those who are critical, controlling, manipulative, demanding, or aggressive. If you can be assertive with them, you can be assertive with anybody. As we said before, when there has been abuse in your history, it is important to have boundaries that protect you from these kinds of people.
Right now, identify the difficult people with whom it is hardest for you to be assertive.
Do the questionnaire “Rating Your Assertiveness in Different Situations with Different People” at the end of the chapter. See if you can learn anything about yourself. Who are the most difficult people in your life that you need to be establishing clear boundaries with?
Learning To Be Assertive About Your Boundaries
Learning to be assertive with your boundaries takes practice, just like everything else in life that is difficult. Being assertive is the key to having and keeping your boundaries, but you must practice to make it a part of your life. Often we don’t assert ourselves because we feel awkward and don’t know what to say. We give in to others rather than hurt their feelings. Having phrases on hand helps you be more confident when you are in a situation that requires you to be assertive. Here are some suggestions, check the ones you like…..
>_____ I have a problem with that. >_____I feel uncomfortable about. . .
>_____I just don’t want to. >_____I’d rather not. . .
>_____I’ve decided not to. >_____Yes, I do mind.
>_____This is what I need. >_____ I’d prefer not to.
>_____This is hard for me to say but >_____It’s important to me.
>_____I understand your point of view but. . . >_____I’ll think about it.
>_____That’s unacceptable. >_____I guess we see it differently.
Sometimes we think that saying “no” is some kind of rejection of the person we say “no” to. Saying “no” isn’t about rejection — you are simply refusing a request. Saying “no” is protecting yourself and your children. Saying “no” is a skill that can be learned, and saying “no” and not feeling guilty about it can become a habit that will help you throughout your life.
Guidelines to Saying “No.” (Circle three or four you will start using right away)
ü Be appropriately honest, open and direct.
ü Don’t make excuses. You may offer reasons for your refusal but don’t get carried
away with excuses or apologies.
ü Be brief and to the point.
ü If you really mean to say “no,” do not be swayed by pleading, begging, compliments or other forms of manipulation.
ü Keep saying “no” and give your reason (if you choose to) like a broken record until they get the point.
ü If the other person becomes offensive or aggressive, leave; or if they become insulting on the phone, hang up. Before you hang up, tell them you’re hanging up and why.
ü By saying “no” you are gaining self-respect.
ü If you feel sharing your feelings is important, use the “I Statement” (next section)
ü Give the person some alternatives, if appropriate, that don’t involve you.
Here are some helpful “No Statements” to use in a pinch:
! “No, I’m not able to do that today. Maybe you can . . .”
! “No. . .to be honest, I don’t want to. . .”
! “I won’t be doing that, but good luck with . . .”
! “I have a conflict and won’t be able to do that.”
© Trauma Awareness & Treatment Center—Permission required by Larry Beall, Ph.D. to copy or reproduce
Communicate Your Boundaries With “I” Statements
The “I Statement” is a way of communicating how another person’s actions affect you without turning the situation into a conflict by accusations. Rather than being accusing or making judgment about the other person, you are telling them how their actions affect how you feel and why. Then, you can tell them what you want or need to happen in the future, and, if necessary, what you will do in response. There are three steps to the “I Statement” process with an optional fourth step.
Step 1: “I feel. . .”
Make an honest statement about how you are feeling.
For example: “I feel pretty frustrated right now. . .”
Step 2: “because. . .”
Tell the person what action or behavior of theirs has triggered your feelings.
For example: “….because you did not babysit my children like you said you would,
and I missed a group I really wanted to attend.”
Step 3: “I want or need . . .”Tell the person specifically what you want or need from them now or in the future when similar situations arise.
For example: “I need you to be here for the children when you say you will be. If you can’t, please call me as soon as possible so I can make other arrangements.”
Step 4: “I will . . .”
This is an optional step. If the problem persists, tell the other person what you will do. (But don’t say anything you aren’t prepared to follow through on.)
For example: “I will need to stop trading babysitting with you.”
Let’s practice. Turn the following “You” statements into “I” statements using the four steps.
“You are so unreliable! I can’t trust you to do one simple thing!
I feel ____________________________ because ______________________________________
I want (or need) ________________________________________________________________
I will _________________________________________________________________________
“You are so ungrateful! I cook dinner, keep the house clean and a thousand other things, and all you want to do is complain and watch TV!”
I feel______________________________because _____________________________________
I want (or need) ________________________________________________________________
I will _________________________________________________________________________
Keeping your boundaries and being appropriately assertive is do-able for you. These principles work. Try them, and you’ll feel so good about using them that you’ll make them part of your life
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